I recently had sciatica and went to the doctor who obviously told me I had probably pinched a nerve. No biggie you would think though in a lot of pain – except 2 years ago almost to the day I had the same symptoms and I discovered it was 2 tumors and the result was I had to have chemotherapy. So you can understand I thought is this – here we go again. The uncertainty that had been bubbling gently under the surface exploded like a volcano. Everything I went through, felt and experienced came back as if it was yesterday. This time it was a pinched nerve and i must have been the only person celebrating with champagne being diagnosed with a pinched nerve and in agony but it wasn’t cancer and could be fixed.
This was my first real scare in 2 years since having chemotherapy but I felt like I went backwards and my family emotionally. We were back to not knowing and me not being able to tell them if it would be OK. I had just put back on my super mum cape after 2 years and it felt like someone plonked krypton in the middle of the floor and i had lost all my super powers again.
As I reflect on the roller coaster that is my families and my life now I realise that uncertainty is my new normal, that i can’t take for granted like other people that I will see my boys graduate, get married or have grandchildren. I know that other people aren’t guaranteed those things either but they think they are and don’t live like they won’t. My mum died of the same cancer as me at 55, I am 54- so I was always going to be a little paranoid in my 50s even before my cancer diagnosis.
I am trying not to be a hypochondriac (though was a glass half empty type person before cancer) so probably isn’t helping. I am also trying not to take my family on the same roller coaster ride as me.
I am rebuilding my super mum powers again so I can put the cape back on but won’t tie it so tightly this time