Mothering an adult cancer ‘patient’

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      my adult daughter is five months into her ‘cancer journey’. The disease has impacted on her independence incredibly and she is now living with her father and I as she is unable to manage on her own, needing help with showering, dressing etc. She uses a wheelchair when we are out and about and I have been dismayed that the fact she is in a chair seems to make people believe she is unable to talk as well…………

      We have never asked about her prognosis as we are not interested, rather we wish to concentrate on getting her well, or at least well enough to live her life as independently as she can.

      I will admit to going to some pretty dark places in my head and more often than is probably helpful. Our lives are forever changed and while being able to support her both emotionally and physically is something we are incredibly grateful to be able to do it there are times when I miss how bloody ordinary our lives were before.

      Just looking for a place to unload some of the stuff in my head – thanks


        Hi motheroffour,
        Thank you very much for posting on CancerChatNZ. I’m so sorry to hear of your daughter’s situation – it sounds very tough for all of you.I can only imagine how hard it’s been for her to give up a lot of her independence, and for you and your husband it must be hard to be in the caring role and seeing the way people act so differently towards her when she is in a chair. It is wonderful that you are able to provide such loving and respectful care for her, but yes it’s very normal to yearn for the way things ‘used to be’. You mentioned going to ‘dark places’ – again understandable, but I wonder if it might be useful to seek some counselling to gain some strategies to manage this? We find this to be helpful for other carers we work with. You could call the cancer information nurses on 0800 CANCER to find out about support locally for you.Your daughter may be interested in this too? Another suggestion is for you to check out the CarersNZ website – they have great support resources. Please don’t hesitate to post again and we hope you get replies from others as well.
        Very best wishes,
        Julie, Cancer Information Nurse


          Hi Motherof4 so sorry to hear of your daughters problems. Here is an option for you. I post this because I am wishing to help you and your is an option fpr you to look at.
          Why not do a search on Micronised Purple Rice. there is heaps of info online re what it can do, what it has done etc, and hundreds of people have had marvelous results using it.
          We have a friend who has cancer and she is using this MPR. I dont know if it will help your daughter but isnt it worth a try? All the best to you all


          Fiona NZ

            Hi, how is your daughter and how are you? I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in June 2017, each day is precious and Ii have under gone many treatments and have found one that is working for me at this time. I hope today you are all having a good day. This is the first time I have gone onto this site and am surprised that there are not many post’s as dealing with cancer is tough and I do find talking to others who understand the journey really helps.

            Anji Banji

              Hi hope you are well, hoping everything is going well for you and your family and you have only received the best prognosis at your appointments just letting you know 5 months in for us was Hard and it got much worse before it got better.. At one point my partner had lost all his hair, weight and developed a blueish gray tinge to his skin.. He looked days away from.. 11 months later and he’s bounced back he’s back to normal save a few days of lady once told me miracles happen..her husband was going through treatment and we met in the TV room of the cancer ward.. I clung to those words and found comfort and strength in them, funny how a few words could do such amazing things I told myself this everyday each morning and it happened! And I could not show this lady the appreciation I have for her or those few words which kept me going..but it was true and miracles do happen I hope you can find some comfort In them and know that 1000 percent anything is possible my partner was diagnosed with stage 3 DHL lymphoma a rare and aggressive form of cancer and his chance of survival was slim.. He went back to work today light duties of course happy to be back to it against all odds he responded spectacularly to treatment and only has 3cm scar tissue to show for it all so please keep strong and keep the faith and don’t forget MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!! 🙂


                Have you tried the website They have alternative Therapies that might just help you out. They include people like Rick Simpson and have a lot of documented fact backed with Research and Scientific Research. They actually have people on there who survived and are offering you the information and all the sources to research. Would highly advise doing so.

                Cancer Researched UK


                  Hi, I am a daughter and a mother who was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer in April this year. I find it very helpful to speak about my cancer and how I am coping. Having people around me who know about my cancer who don’t say anything is hurtful. If I had a broken arm people would most likely ask about what happened but somehow many people shy away from asking about what’s happening and listening to the answer without giving advice and saying you are going to be OK.
                  My suggestion is to be ask your daughter how she is feeling and how her body to doing. Hope this helps.

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